Now that you've been warned, I can tell you that the subject of this post is art and how I learned something about it. Art isn't one of the things I'm into, for obvious reasons, and I have to say I'd never given it much thought before last week. Until last Wednesday, art was a more or less vague concept to me. I could've given you a definition, but I didn't have any actual understanding of it.
I'm sure I mentioned how busy everyone was around here last week. Things were insane at the store and I was tired by the time I got home from work every day. Anyway, last Wednesday I just had one of those days. You know the kind I mean. One of those days where nothing goes right, the customers are all demanding and impatient, your boss blames you for every problem he can't solve, and you drop practically everything you pick up. By the time I made my way home from that nightmare, I was in no mood to tolerate anything less than peace and quiet.
Sini didn't know that, of course.
She met me at the door and, as she often does, greeted me in a very demonstrative way. I was grumpy and didn't want to be touched, but I didn't say anything. I thought maybe she'd figure it out, but I guess I must not have been feeling disagreeable enough for her to sense it. Either that, or she was simply ignoring my mood.
One of Sini's favourite things to do is to hug me from behind and kiss my ears. For some reason, Sini is fascinated by my ears. My theory is that she likes human ears in general because they're different from hers, and that she likes mine in particular because she doesn't need explicit permission any more if she wants to touch them. She seems to enjoy tracing the rounded part at the top with her fingertip and, on a few instances, one of my ears has been the recipient of an experimental pinch or bite. This may be a sign of affection for the people of Sini's planet, but I don't like it. Sini has sharp nails and, despite being an evolved vegetarian, surprisingly sharp teeth. We've had conversations about the ear-biting issue, although I don't think the message I've been trying to convey has entirely gotten through. On one notable occasion she told me, "I would let you bite my ears if you wanted to."
No thanks. That's not the way I roll.
Anyway, while we were still basically at the front door, she wrapped herself around me in a hug that involved all four limbs. That acrobatic trick effectively forced me to carry her piggyback-style into the living room before she finally let me go.
"Do you really have to do that?" I said, as she slipped down from my back and onto the couch.
"You would prefer that I welcome you home the way Rommie does to Michael? How do you call it? Air kisses." She made a scornful little snorting sound. "That is boring. Our way is more fun."
I flopped down beside her on the couch. "Maybe for you."
"You do not like it?"
"I'm tired, Sini. And you're heavy."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't mean to snap at you. It's just..."
"A hard day at the office?" she said.
I smiled in spite of my mood. "Where did you learn that one?"
"It is something Sapphire says," she told me. Without even asking, she snuggled up close and began unbuttoning my shirt. "Was it?"
"A hard day at the office? Yeah, it was."
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Not really," i said.
She finished with the buttons and I let her slide the shirt down over my arms because I thought maybe an impromptu shoulder massage was forthcoming. Sini is really good at those. I was disappointed, though, as she only seemed interested in getting past the barrier of my clothing so she could tickle me. She slipped her hands beneath my undershirt and wiggled her fingers against my bare stomach.
"Guess what I did today," she said.
"I can't guess," I said.
"Are you too tired to guess?"
"Yes," I said. "What did you do?"
"I helped Xander with his final project for his art class."
"Really?"
"It was fun."
"Helping Xander was fun for you?" I said. "How exactly did you help him, anyway?"
"He made pictures of me." Her questing hands slid up to my chest, lifting my undershirt in the process. She said plaintively, "Why do you wear so many layers?"
"Sini, could you not undress me, please? What do you mean, Xander made pictures of you?"
"He has a camera," she said.
"I know. So, he took photos of you?"
"Yes. We hung a big white sheet on the wall behind the bed and he made pictures with his camera. I liked the pink feathers."
That was the point at which my mild concern grew into suspicion. I peeled her hands off me and sat back. "What pink feathers?"
"The pink feathers on the bed. I was not wearing anything, and Xander said the feathers were--"
"What?" I interrupted. "You weren't wearing anything?"
"I did say that."
"Why?" I demanded.
"Xander asked me to."
"And you did it."
"Yes."
"Sini--" I began, but found I couldn't continue without the risk of raising my voice. She didn't deserve that, and it wouldn't do either of us any good to make the tension in the room any worse than it already was. I sat there in silence for several seconds while I tried to process everything that was whirling through my head. I thought Sini understood the rule about covering herself, because she usually follows it, even if she does push the envelope of modesty. It bothered me that she might not actually buy into the rationale behind the rule, and that all it took for her to get undressed was a simple request for her to do so. The purpose for which she did it bothered me even more. I know things are different where she comes from, but I couldn't imagine any context in which what she did could be considered okay. I didn't know if I should be angry or shocked or disgusted or...
I was startled out of my frantic inner monologue by Sini's exclamation of, "Tyler! You are jealous!"
She sounded utterly astonished, as if she couldn't comprehend why she should be sensing such a feeling from me. I hadn't even been consciously thinking about that. I mean, it should've gone without saying that I was jealous.
"I can't believe you're surprised by that," I said, unable to keep the incredulity out of my tone.
"Why?"
"Why am I jealous? You took off your clothes for Xander, of all people!"
"Yes, I did."
"And you don't know why I'm jealous?"
"No," she said.
"Seriously? Do I really have to explain it?"
"I do not understand why it bothers you," she said. "On my world, we cover ourselves only when circumstances demand it. It is not special when we do not wear clothes."
"Sini, you're not on your world. On this world, women who are with somebody aren't supposed to take their clothes off for other men. It's...well, it's not right."
"Xander said it is art, so it is different than real life. Besides, Xander does not even like women."
"That's not the point. Xander shouldn't have asked you to do that."
"Why not?"
"Because he knows better," I said. I imagined myself having a very serious man-to-man with Xander, and my mental image of it wasn't pretty. "Anyway, even if he did ask, you should know better."
"We did not do anything wrong. It was fun and nothing happened."
"How can you say nothing happened? Letting Xander take pictures of you like that, knowing he's gong to show them to his teacher and his entire class isn't nothing."
"It is nothing to worry about."
"It is to me," I said. "You have no idea, do you? You have absolutely no idea how totally inapproriate it is to pose naked for pictures that everyone's going to see."
"Everyone except you," she said.
That caught me off guard.
I was so stunned by the blunt impact of her words, the only thing I could manage in response was a breathless, "What?"
"Is that not the real problem?" Sini said. "You are not upset because I took off my clothes. You are upset because other people will enjoy Xander's pictures of me and you cannot."
"That's not--" I started to say.
"Think before you speak," she said.
Finding myself unequivocally admonished, I did think about it. Was I really more upset about not being able to enjoy the pictures than I was about them having been created in the first place? I didn't think so. Rationally, I knew Sini was right about Xander not being interested in her, but other people definitely would be interested, and I was sure Xander was fully aware of that. I really wasn't happy that those other people would be looking at Sini's beautiful body cradled in feathers, and I didn't think it was right for her to share herself with strangers in such an obviously provocative way. That's what really made me jealous and angry. The fact that the only person who should have the privilege of looking couldn't see what everyone else was seeing only added insult to injury.
"You know, we wouldn't be having this conversation if you'd just told Xander you wouldn't help him with his project," I said. I'm sure I sounded sullen, but at that point I didn't really care.
"How could I say no? How can he learn by example if I do not set one?"
"I'm not sure what kind of example you're setting by getting undressed."
"You know that is not what I mean. I am talking about being helpful."
"Okay, fine. I guess Xander does need all the examples of good behaviour that he can get. But, why did you have to set an example of helpfulness by doing this?"
Instead of attempting to answer my rhetorical question, Sini curled her fingers around mine. She got up from the couch and did her best to pull me up with her. "Come with me to our room," she said. "I want to show you something."
I sighed. "What is it?"
"It is a surprise."
"I don't like surprises."
"You will like this one," she said.
"Maybe."
Reluctantly, I allowed her to lead me upstairs. Once we were in our room, Sini shut the door. and then I heard the soft rustling of fabric. I was pretty sure I knew what was going on, but I had to ask anyway.
"Sini, what are you doing?"
"Undress," she instructed me.
"What?"
"You know what I said. Please do it."
"No," I said.
"Tyler, please," she said, "I want you to see what the people who look at Xander's pictures will see."
"I'm not getting undressed. This is--"
"Trust me," she said. She padded over to me and started to help me do what I was less than willing to do for myself. "Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"It will help you concentrate."
"On what?"
"The answer to a question," she said. She led me across the room and guided my hands down carefully toward the surface of the bed. "Look at this and tell me what you think."
My palms encountered something warm and fluffy, and I drew back in surprise. "Feathers?"
"Pink feathers."
"You and Xander didn't pick them up?"
"Xander wanted to, but I asked him not to."
"You left them here on purpose."
"Yes," she said. "I wanted you to see."
"So, you were going to show me this all along?" No longer cautious of what I might find, I lowered my hands to the bed again to examine the feathers. "Why didn't you just ask me to come in here in the first place? Why tell me about the pictures?"
"Because it would have been dishonest not to," she said. "Besides, it would be very difficult to explain why there are feathers on our bed without telling about the pictures, and it would be difficult to teach you about art without the feathers."
"You want to teach me about art?"
"It is important."
"Not to me."
"Are you never curious about what other people feel when they look at paintings and pictures?"
"Sometimes, I guess, but I've made it this far in life without knowing."
"You should know," Sini said. "I will teach you. This will work best if you lie down."
"Okay," I said.
I wondered what was about to happen, but I did as she asked. I climbed onto the bed and lay on my stomach.
"Lie still," she said. "I want to ask you the question now."
"What question?"
She stroked my face with her fingertips. "Relax and close your eyes."
I lowered my eyelids and tried to make myself breathe more deeply and slowly. What this had to do with learning about art, I wasn't sure, but I decided to play along for a while and see what would come of it.
What happened was that after a few seconds I recognized that the sensation of Sini's fingers caressing my cheek had been replaced by something else; something gentler and softer. I realized she was touching me with a feather.
"When you think about the colour pink," Sini said, "what does it mean?"
"I'm thinking about the feathers right now. They're pink, right?"
"Good. You are supposed to think about the feathers, but that is not what I asked. I know you cannot see the colours, but do they not mean something to you?
"I don't know. Some colours do, I guess."
"Which ones?" She brushed the feather over my cheek one more time and then down my neck and across my collarbone.
"Blue means something to me."
"What does blue mean?"
"Freedom," I said. "The sky and the ocean. It means happiness. It means...you."
"Pink," she said softly, "is beauty and pleasure. Pink is sunrise. Do you remember the first time I showed you the sunrise?"
It'd be difficult to forget that night I spent lying in the back yard with Sini, talking until the sun came up. Even though we'd only just started learning about each other at that point, when she described the sunrise without my even asking her to, I knew she was special. I knew she was capable of understanding me in a way that no one ever had before.
"Yes," I said. "I remember."
"Imagine all your feelings about sunrise are something you can touch. Imagine allowing it to touch every part of you until your mind and your body are surrounded by it."
Like the feathers, I thought. My body was surrounded by the real feathers and my mind was surrounded by the concept of feathers.
No, I corrected myself. My mind is surrounded by the concept of 'pink' and 'sunrise' and how that makes me feel. I was astounded when I made the connection. This was something that had never occurred to me before.
"Is this what art is really about? Connecting colours and feelings and experiences all together?"
"It is something like that," Sini said. "Do you like it?"
"Very much," I said.
I'm pretty sure I don't need to tell you about the next part of Sini's art appreciation lesson. Suffice it to say, I got a lot more out of Sini's art exhibit than anyone else could get from just looking at photos of her.
Afterward, we lay quietly in the middle of our feathery bed, snuggled together in a comfortable embrace. It's nice just to be close like that, touching but not talking. The silence gave me a chance to reflect. The afternoon's events and our earlier conversation hadn't left my mind, but I have to say that after experiencing Sini's particular strategy for calming me, I judged myself much more capable of being rational about the whole thing.
It was Sini who eventually broke the silence between us. She said, "Do you feel better now?"
I smiled as I stroked the pointed tip of one of her ears. "Don't you know?"
"I want you to tell me."
"I do feel better, but..."
"But, you still do not like what I did."
"You're right that I don't like what you did. It's done now, though, so I'll have to live with it."
"You are not angry now."
"I thought you wanted me to tell you that."
"I cannot sense your anger, like before. Are you still angry a little?"
"No, I'm not angry. I'm not sure if there's even a name for what I feel," I said. "I'm trying to wrap my head around it, you know? Everything that went on today."
"You do not understand why we disagree about the...appropriateness of what Xander and I did."
"You're right. I don't understand it," I said. "I think we have to accept that we'll always disagree about it, but can you promise me one thing?
"What do you want me to promise?"
"Don't ever do anything like that again."
"I promise," she said. She seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then she ventured, "I did not mean to do anything that would hurt you this much. I can still feel how troubled you are, and I...I do not like it."
"I'm sorry."
"I am sorry. It is my fault you feel this way."
"It was a mistake," I said.
"We just made the pictures today," she said. "It is possible Xander has not showed them to his teacher yet."
"What are you saying?"
"If I ask Xander not to show the pictures to his teacher, will that make it better?"
"What about his project?"
"Perhaps he can make new pictures," she said. "And I will wear something this time."
"If he takes different pictures, the art won't have the same meaning, will it?"
"No. Probably it will not."
I'd like to say that I was magnanimous and that I tried my best to set aside my personal misgivings for the sake of another man's creative vision, but that was not the case. The truth is, I wanted Xander to get a passing grade in his art class, but I really didn't want him to get it at the expense of Sini's virtue. Asking him not to show the pictures to anyone sounded like a perfectly sensible solution to me, and I saw no reason why he couldn't, as Sini suggested, take new and more decorous photos of her.
I was almost certain Xander would raise an argument when we approached him about it but, as I lay there amid the feathers with my soulmate's head resting on my shoulder, it occurred to me what I was going to tell him.
Some art is not for sharing.
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