Alien vs. Monster

Kids hear a lot more than adults think they do.  

Sini and I learned this lesson the hard way.  We learned that it pays to be prudent when you're having a conversation within earshot of your kid, because even when you think he's not listening, he probably is.  And because the kid in question is not only precocious but also lacks the judgement to know that he shouldn't repeat what he hears, anything you say could potentially come back to bite you in the ass.  

 My parents are here in advance of the wedding and, just as I anticipated, there's already been some friction between Sini and my mother.  To say that Mum disapproves of Sini wouldn't be stretching the truth at all.  My mother isn't known for her open-mindedness and I think Sini's very existence is a strain on her concept of the 'normal' world.  The fact that I not only associate with this strange creature but that I'm madly in love with her and intend to marry her pretty much blows my mother's narrow mind.  

Anyway, I said all that by way of explanation as to how Sini and I began our education in what not to say in the presence of our kids.   On Sunday night, the day before my parents were supposed to arrive, Sini and I were in the living room working on the favours we plan to give our guests at the reception.   I know some people are interested in the details about stuff like this, so for those of you who are curious, our guests are getting candy to take home.   This was Pax's idea, but we thought it was a good one.  My job was to fill up these little mesh bags with candy wrapped in pink and purple foil.  The little bags are pink and purple too, apparently.  Once I had each one filled up, Sini tied a piece of ribbon in an alternating colour around the top to close it; pink ribbon on the purple bags and purple ribbon on the pink ones.   Sini says they look very cute.   Honestly, I have no opinion.   Even if I could see how they looked, I'd probably still have no opinion.  I'm not really into the frilly stuff, and I'm perfectly willing to accept Sini's word that the candy bags look nice.   

Pax wanted to help with the candy bags, but Sini and I quickly vetoed that idea.  We figured that if we let him anywhere near that particular project there'd be more candy in Pax than in the bags by the time we were done, and he'd be on such a sugar high that we'd probably have to peel him off the ceiling.     Thankfully, Cassie offered to keep him entertained while Sini and I were busy.    Cassie and Pax situated themselves on the rug at the far end of the room, where Cassie made a valiant attempt to teach Pax how to play Scrabble.   Just based on the snippets of conversation I overheard, that undertaking probably deserves a post of its own.  

But, I digress.  

While we worked, I tried to engage Sini in conversation, but she didn't seem very interested.   We'd exchange a few sentences and then she'd fall silent again.    I was worried, and I definitely didn't need her empathic sense to know that something was bothering her.   

When I asked her what was the matter, she sighed and said, "It is your mother."

"What about my mother?" I said. 

"I wish your mother was not coming."

Any other guy might've been insulted if his fiancée made a statement like that about his mother, but given that Sini seems stressed lately and my mother isn't the easiest person to get along with at the best of times, I understood her sentiment.   "I know," I said, "but it wouldn't have been right not to invite her.  Mum and Dad will only be here for a few days.  I'm sure they'll go home right after the wedding."  

"If I had my way, we would not have invited them."

"You can't have your way all the time.  Sometimes I like to have things my way, you know."

'You got your way.   You did not invite Grandpa Mike."

"That was just as much for your benefit as for mine," I said.  "Grandpa Mike is a jerk."

"That is not a very charitable thought to have about your grandfather."

"He's not a very charitable person," I said.  "I'm pretty sure he doesn't even like me.  Seriously, do you realize that man has never called me by my name once in my life?  He treats me like I'm sub-human or something.  I don't even want to think about how he might treat you.  He didn't get invited because I know he'd find a way to ruin the day for everyone."

"Your mother does not like me."

"Maybe not, but at least my mother won't try to cause trouble on purpose."  

 "She will just be herself and cause trouble without trying."

I had to concede that was almost certainly true.   I couldn't resist saying, "That's not a very charitable thought to have about your future mother-in-law." 

Sini offered up a snort of general disdain. "The way she behaves toward me, I think it is more appropriate to call her monster-in-law."

I really tried hard not to laugh at that, I swear, but in the end I was wholly unsuccessful.   When I regained some composure I said,  "You know, Mum would totally freak out if she ever heard you say that."  

"I do not care," said Sini. "If she were here in this room, I would still say it."  

"That'd do a lot for family relations," I said.  

"The only family I am concerned about is ours.   The two of us and our children are the important people.   If your mother cannot accept us as we are, then I think I would rather not have any relations with her at all." 

"It'd be nice if the two of you could call off the hostilities at least temporarily," I said. "I mean, just be nice.  It's not like anyone expects you to be best friends with her or anything."

"It is good no one expects me to be her friend, because there is no way that would ever happen."  

I had to smile when I heard one of my own pet phrases coming from Sini   I said,  "Can you just promise me that you'll try to be nice to her this week?"

"Even if she is not nice to me?"

"Do it for me," I said.  "Please?"

"I do not want to, but I will do it," Sini said. "For you."  

"Thank you," I said.

I thought that the matter was more or less settled at that point, and even though I didn't anticipate an outpouring of joy from either Sini or my mother, I did expect that the cattiness would be kept to a minimum, at least on Sini's part.  I expected a peaceful, if not harmonious, visit.   What I hadn't counted on was Skyla and our little green wildcard Pax.  

Sundays and Mondays are my usual days off from the store, so I was at home to receive my parents when they arrived mid-morning on Monday.   Sini, Skyla and I met them at the front door.  I was carrying Skyla in my arms, and as soon as she saw my father she started squealing and squirming and calling out excitedly, "Grandpa! Grandpa!"    She never greets my mother with such enthusiasm, which I think is a sore point for Mum.  As I let Skyla go into my father's arms, I had a bad feeling we'd already started off on the wrong foot.  

"Hello, miss Skyla Blue," my dad said.  "How's my favourite girl?"  

Skyla giggled, so I guessed he was tickling her.  I said, "You'd better not let Cleo hear you say that, Dad."

"Cleo is my favourite girl too," he said. "With granddaughters, you're allowed to have more than one favourite." 

"I'll remember that if I ever have any," I said.  

"Oh, you will," Dad said.  "If Skyla grows up to be half as pretty as her mother, you won't have to worry about her finding someone to marry and have beautiful children with.  You'll probably have to chase the men away."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, James," said my mother. 

Dad kept going as if Mum hadn't even admonished him.  "And how have you been since we last saw you, Sini?  You really are beautiful, you know.  My son is a lucky man."

Sini greeted my father warmly.  "I am well, thank you, and I think I am very lucky too.   It is very nice to see you again, Dr. Brightman."  The tone of her voice plunged several degrees as she tacked on an acknowledgment to my mother, "Mrs. Brightman."

"Sini," my father said, "You know you don't have to be so formal with us.  How many times have we told you that you can call us James and Julia?"

"I don't recall that I've ever said that," said my mother. "You may call me Mrs. Brightman."  


"Since I will also be Mrs. Brightman soon, I think that will be very confusing," Sini said. "But, I will do it if you insist."  


"I do," said my mother.  


"Julia--" my dad began, but Sini interrupted him.


"It is okay," she said.  "I promised Tyler that I would try very hard to accommodate his mother, no matter how badly she treats me.  I am going to be the bigger person."  


"Sini--" I started to say.  


"Tyler, darling, it's fine," said my mother.  "I think it's very commendable that Sini wants to be a person.  Of character, I mean.  A person of character." 

Sini was squeezing my hand so tightly that it was uncomfortable for me. I could tell that she wanted to fire something back at my mother, and she seemed to be exercising a monumental amount of restraint to keep herself from doing so. 

I was about to suggest that we all go into the kitchen and have some tea and try to move on to a more pleasant topic of conversation when the tense moment was broken by the sound of Pax barrelling down the stairs and shouting at the top of his voice, "Tyler!  Tyler!  Are they here?"

"Yes," I said, as he came charging into the porch and threw himself into my arms for a hug. "What did we tell you about using your inside voice?"

"I know, but I excited!" he said.  "You not feel me being excited?"

He was trembling all over.  I said, "You know what?  I think I can."

"Really?"

"Can you feel me being exasperated?" Sini said.

"Go easy on him," I said. "You know he loves new people."

My dad was laughing, presumably at our little family byplay.  He said, "Are you planning to introduce us, son?"

"I think this guy can introduce himself," I said. "Pax, you can do that, right?  Can you introduce yourself to my mother and father?"

"Yes," he said. "I only touch the hands, I promise."

"Good," I said. 

Pax let go of me, and I pictured him sticking out his hand for an Earth-style handshake. "My name Pax," he said, and then added helpfully, "I a boy, but maybe you not know because I wear clothes."

"What?" said my mother.

"Clothes," Pax repeated slowly as if she might not have understood him.  "I wear clothes."  

She sounded completely flustered when she said, "Of course you're wearing clothes."

"I not always wear clothes," Pax said.

"Another one?" my mother blurted. "Tyler, darling, you really ought to keep better company. I mean, you don't see your brother getting involved with nudists, do you?"

"Tyler not see anything," Pax said. "You Tyler mother. You not know?"

That was the point at which I started laughing and couldn't stop for several minutes. Maybe it was the tension that had finally gotten to me, or maybe it was the total cosmic justice in the fact that my mother had finally met her match in the form of a precocious young boy. 

"Tyler James Brightman, this is not funny," said my mother.

I finally managed to catch my breath enough to say, "Sorry, Mum," but I wasn't really sorry and, from where I was standing, the whole thing was very funny indeed. 

 "Well, I'm pleased to meet you, Pax," my father said.  "Are you related to Sini?"

 "Sini my..."  Pax began, but didn't seem able to describe the relationship in English, and ended up with an Erisan word that sounded a little like the word Sini uses to describe her relationship to me.  

"Soul mother," Sini said.  

"Yes," said Pax. "Sini my...soul mother."

"Your godmother?" Dad asked. 

"What means 'god'?" Pax said.

 "Pax, let's not go there," I said.  I turned toward my father. "Sini and I have more or less adopted Pax.  He's our son in spirit, I guess you could say."

 "So, that makes him our grandson," Dad said, sounding pleased.

 "It most certainly does not," said my mother.

 "Of course it does," said Dad.  "Pax, you can call me Grandpa, if you want."  

"Grandpa," Pax echoed.  "What that means?"

 "It's a special name for grandfathers," Dad said.  "Skyla calls me Grandpa.  I think you can, too."    

 "I like you, Grandpa," Pax said, and then, as if it had only just occurred to him. "What I call Tyler mother?  Sini say monster-in-law.   Tyler mother my...grandmonster?"  

That did it.  My father and I both lost it at that point and began laughing uncontrollably, to which my mother responded with a wordless howl and stomped past us and out of the porch.  Beside me, too quietly for anyone else to hear, Sini said, "Very nice." 

It was obvious Pax didn't grasp the humour.  "What?"  he said, sounding utterly perplexed. "I say something funny?"  

 "Yes, but I'm pretty sure your grandmonster didn't think so," Dad said.   

"She not like me."  It was a statement, not a question.

"She doesn't know you yet," Dad said.  "I'm sure she'll like you when she gets to know you."

"You like me, and you not know me," Pax said.  "She not like me.  I know."  

"Now, Pax, that's not--" Dad began.

I interrupted him before he got going.  "Dad," I said. "Pax is an empath like Sini.  You can't lie to him, even if you're doing it to make him feel better.  He'll know that's what you're doing."

"Oh," said my father, but then he brightened again and asked, "How does that work?"

"I feel your feelings," Pax said.  "I can feel you being curious now."  

"Yes, I am.   I'm very curious.  Are all the people from your world able to feel other people's feelings?"

"Yes, but not all the same.   Sini feels Tyler feelings, but she not feel other humans.  I feel everyone."  

"Interesting," Dad said.  

"Sini tells this better," Pax said.  "She speaks English better."  

"I think you're doing fine with English.  When did you start learning it?"

"When I came here," Pax said. "Tyler, that right?  When I came here?"

"Yeah, that's right," I said, and then by way of explanation to my father, "We're working on the past tense." 

"Pax has only been with us since April," Sini said. "He is very smart."

"I can see that," Dad said.  "Pax, why don't you show me where I can put my suitcase and where I'm going to sleep?  We should let your Mum and Dad smooth things over with your grandmother., I think." 

"I'd better handle that myself," I said.

"Yes, perhaps you should. I have difficulty with the difference between 'smoothing' and 'flattening'," Sini said. "The language barrier, Dr. Brightman.  I am sure you understand."

My father laughed. "Oh, Sini...I doubt the language gives you a moment's trouble," he said.  "Maybe you should go with Tyler, though.   It'll do Julia good to have somebody stand up to her for a change."  

I'm not sure if that was such good advice at all.  Our attempt to smooth things over with Mum didn't go well, and I don't anticipate this being a very pleasant week for either Sini or her.   Pax and my father, on the other hand, are having a grand time.   I think 'Grandpa' is Pax's new hero and best friend.  Dad is teaching Pax how to play checkers and has promised to take him and Skyla to Toys R Us.   Pax has big plans to show Dad all around the neighbourhood.   I think he's even given Dad a sneak preview of his best man - or best alien - speech.  

It should be a memorable visit.

I'll keep you guys in the loop.