Sini's Secret Is Revealed

Thanks in no small part to my father, I now know what Sini's secret is.   I should've figured out what it was for myself, long before my dad ever had to draw my attention to the possibility, but I guess I was too caught up with wedding stuff and getting ready to start law school, and dealing with everything else that's been on my mind during the last several weeks.   The main thing is that I know about it now and I'm not left stressing myself out about the mystery any more.   It was indeed a big surprise but it isn't, as Pax suggested, a big surprise that nobody wants.  I have to confess that I'm pretty scared about it, but I'm also way beyond thrilled at the same time.   To be honest, I'm glad I didn't find out about it until after the wedding, though.   Prior to our big day on Saturday, I had enough on my mind as it was.

Much to Sini's disappointment, my parents stayed on for two days after the wedding.  They left early this morning.  I'd never say this to Sini but, in retrospect, I'm glad they stayed around, even if it was just so my dad and I could have a private talk about Sini and her secret.  

On Sunday afternoon, Dad asked if we could talk alone, and I suggested that we should go for a ride together.  I love riding with my dad.  There's something about the camaraderie among guys and their horses that has always appealed to me, and Dad and I are always more relaxed when we're in the saddle.  Beau said it was okay if my father took Rebel Yell out, so we were all set.  

The place where Beau and I board Rebel and Guardian is actually inside city limits.  It's a riding school and they have excellent facilities.  I don't want to be one of those horse owners who enjoys the benefits and doesn't do any of the work, so I try to get there every day and contribute as much as I can.  Beau makes an effort to go there every day as well, and I think the people there really like his horse skills.  Unfortunately, the reality of our lives is that some days we don't make it there, but on the days I can't go, Beau looks in on Guardian for me and on the days he can't go, I check on Rebel for him.   I feel kind of guilty when I can't get there, but at least I know that on the days when I'm not able to give Guardian my care and attention, Beau will be there, and the people at the school are always looking after Guardian as well as I ever could. They love horses and it's their job to take care of them.  It's expensive for Guardian to live there, but my dad helps me out with the fees, a fact which I don't think my mother knows.   Having Guardian live at the riding school is the only way for me to have a horse in the city, and I really don't know what I'd do if I couldn't ride.

On Sunday afternoons there are always plenty of people using the school's paddocks and track, so Dad and I decided we'd leave the grounds and set out on a bit of a scenic tour of the undeveloped land behind the riding school.   I don't often leave the school's property unless I'm with another rider or unless I'm going for a 'city ride' as Beau and I like to call it.  Guardian is used to the roads around the school and Rebel is getting used to them too, so our city rides are becoming more frequent.    I like to ride the school's trails alone, but Guardian and I know those really well.  I'm afraid of getting lost in a place with no trails.  

Dad and I rode along in silence for a while, and I wondered if he was ever going to get around to saying what was on his mind.  After a few more minutes of utter wordlessness, I finally ventured, "You asked me out here to talk."

"Yes," Dad said.  

"What did you want to talk about?"

There was another prolonged period in which Dad said nothing.  At last, I heard him draw in a deep breath, and then he ht me with his question.   "Tyler, are you and Sini expecting again?"

"Uh...no," I said cautiously.  "Why do you ask?"

"Your mother thinks you had a very short engagement."

"We did, but I don't see what that has to do with us expecting.   If Mum thinks we were in a rush to get married because Sini might be pregnant, then I guess she conveniently forgot about Skyla.  According to Mum's logic, we should've gotten married over two years ago."  

"Your mother isn't known for her logic," Dad said.  "And I haven't forgotten about Skyla.  The length of your engagement wasn't the reason I asked."

"So, allow me to repeat myself.  Why do you ask?" 

"I'm a doctor.  I notice things."

"Dad, you're a veterinarian.  Sini is a person," I said.  "Now, seriously, why are you asking?"

"I'll be the first to admit that I don't know her like you do, but she seems quieter than she was the last few times we've been here.  She doesn't seem well."

"She was stressed about the wedding.  We both were."

"And what about today?  She seems tired."

"I'm tired too.  Yesterday was a busy day, and last night was our wedding night.  You had a wedding night, so I'm pretty sure you don't need an explanation."  

"Hmm..." Dad said. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Have you asked her about it?"

"What?  Have I asked her if she's pregnant?  Of course not."

"You should," Dad said.

"If we were having another baby, I wouldn't need to ask. Sini would tell me."

"Would she?"

"Of course she would," I said.  

"If she thought you didn't want another baby, she might not."

"Why would she think that?"

"She is an empath, isn't she?" said my father.   

I laughed.  "Come on, Dad.  She's not a mind-reader.  She doesn't know what I'm thinking."

"No," Dad conceded, "But, if you're having a discussion about something and you have certain feelings about what you're discussing, she knows that, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, sometimes, if I have really strong feelings about something."  

"And how do you feel about having another baby?"

"I'd love to have a whole house full of kids," I said.  "It's just that I don't think it's a good idea for us to have any more.   I mean, I love Skyla and I'm glad we have her, but I don't want Sini to go through being sick again."

"Your mother was sick when we were expecting you and Michael, but that didn't stop us from wanting to try again."

"You don't understand," I said.  "It wasn't just run-of-the-mill morning sickness.  We didn't tell you everything because we didn't want you to worry, but there were days when I honestly thought she wasn't going to make it.  You have no idea how terrified I was, Dad.  Thinking about her suffering like that again is horrible.   It's scary."

"I presume the two of you have discussed having more children?"

"Yeah."

"What you just told me, is that how you were feeling when you talked about it?"

"Yeah, I guess so."  

"So, imagine you're Sini," Dad said.  "You're having this conversation and maybe the words you're hearing don't match up with the emotions you're sensing.  Which do you believe, the words or the emotions?"

"Sini says feelings are always a better measure of truth than words," I said.

"Right," said my father.  "Do you think she believes you really want more kids?"

"Oh," I said, as realization came crashing into my brain like a speeding truck colliding with a brick wall. "Oh crap.  She's probably convinced that I don't.  If she really is pregnant, she's probably afraid to tell me, isn't she?"

"I think you really need to talk to her," Dad said.  

"I will," I promised. "Tonight, I will."   

True to my word, I decided to approach the subject with Sini on Sunday night just after we'd gotten into bed.   You guys who are regular followers are likely under the impression that Sini and I only ever have weighty conversations while we're in bed or getting ready for bed, aren't you?   I can assure you that's not entirely true.  We have a favourite bench in the park down the street, and sometimes we steal a private moment when she sneaks into the shower with me in the morning.  For the most part, though, we do have our serious talks in our room at night after the kids are asleep.   The thing about living in a huge house with a dozen other people is that you don't get a lot of time and space to yourself.   We've got to take our opportunities when and where they present themselves. 

With the lights off, the curtains drawn and the door closed, and both children breathing deeply in slumber, Sini and I finally settled down beneath our blankets.  She seemed ready for sleep, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to close my eyes until I asked her the question my dad had planted in my mind earlier in the day.  I'd been consumed with anxiety all evening as I thought about it, and I was quite frankly surprised that Sini hadn't commented on my emotional state. 

"Sini, can we talk?"  I said. 

"Yes, of course we can," she said.  "You know that.  We can always talk."

"Mostly always."

"Yes, mostly always," she conceded.  She snuggled in close and rested her head on my shoulder. Then, she inquired, "Are you worried about something?"

The fact wasn't lost on me that she'd asked me a question about my feelings instead of making an observation about something she'd sensed from me.   I said, "Yes."

"What is it?"

"I had a private chat with my father today," I said.  "He asked me a question."

"What was the question about?"

"You."  

"About me?" she said.  "What question did he ask?"

I hesitated, unsure about what to say next.  I didn't want to just blurt out 'are you pregnant?' but at the same time I didn't want to be too vague either.  I gathered my courage and ventured, "Dad's concerned about you.  He thinks you're not well."

"I am not sick," she said. "Why would he think that?"

"He says you're more quiet than he remembers and he thinks you look tired."

"Yes, I am tired," she said.  "We have been very busy."

"That's what I told him, but he thinks it's more than that."   

 "What does he think it is?"

"He...uh..." I paused, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and awkward.  Saying this shouldn't have been hard, but for some reason it was.  Extremely so.  "He...thinks you might be pregnant."

"Oh," Sini said.

"Are you?" I said, and was mortified when my voice cracked like a teenager's.  I coughed and tried again, "He's not right, is he?"

Sini was quiet for so long that I was beginning to wonder if she planned to answer me at all.  Finally, in a whisper so low that I could barely hear it, she said, "Yes."

 I let that sink in for a second or two, and then I asked, "How long have you known?"

"Since June," she said.

"Before you went on your trip?"

"Yes.  Before you asked me to marry you."  

"So, we're...how far along?"

"I do not know.  We do not really count it that way.   You are asking when the baby will come?"

"Yeah."

"In the winter.  Perhaps February or March."

"You're not sure?"

"No one is ever sure," she said.  

"I guess not," I said.

We both fell silent for a while after that.  I guess we were each lost in our own thoughts.  I have no idea what Sini might've been thinking, but my mind was racing.  I tried to process the news that we're going to be parents again in February or March.   My frenzied calculations led me to the conclusion that we must've conceived this baby in late May or early June, and I mentally kicked myself for not noticing the signs.   Of course, Sini hasn't seemed particularly unwell to me - certainly not ill like she was when we were expecting Skyla - and I suppose I was only too willing to come up with reasons that might explain her other symptoms.   I guess I assumed that if she was pregnant I should expect the worst, and since the worst wasn't happening, she couldn't possibly be pregnant. 

But she is.

I'm going to be a dad for the second time!

The reality is well and truly sinking in today, but on Sunday night I was far from prepared to cope with this momentous news.  

My confusion must've been like psychic white noise for Sini because after several minutes during which we said nothing to each other, she said tentatively, "Tyler, are you angry?" 

"No," I said.

She sounded distressed as she said, "I cannot tell.  I cannot feel your feelings at all right now."

"Maybe that's a good thing.  They're not making much sense."

"Tell me."

"About my feelings?   I...I'm scared," I said.  "I'm excited and surprised and...I don't even know what else, but mostly I think I'm scared."  

"Me too," she said.

"Why are you scared?"

"Because I do not know..." she let her words trail off.

"Because you don't know what's going to happen next?"

"Yes, but also I do not know how you feel," she said.  "Do you want another child?"

 And there it was, the question that had been hanging unspoken between us for such a long time; the proverbial elephant in the room.   I realized I had to answer her question honestly.  I had to, as Dad put it, make my words and my emotions match up.  

"I do," I said.  "I want another child more than anything, but it kills me inside when I think about how hard it was for you with Skyla.   I don't like to see you hurting and I don't like that there's not one damn thing I can do about it.   There were a few times when I thought..."  

I couldn't finish the sentence.  My voice caught and I found that I was crying a little.   

"It will be different this time," Sini said softly.  She brushed my cheeks with her cool fingertips.  "It is already different.  I know it will not be like the first time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said. "I promise, I am fine.   Are you sure you are not angry?"

"You still can't tell?"

"It is harder to concentrate on your mind when I am tired."  

"I'm really not angry.  I am a little disappointed that you didn't tell me about this sooner, but I think I understand why you didn't."

"I am sorry.  I should have told you as soon as I knew, but I was afraid of how you would react and--"

"It's okay," I said, trying to soothe her even as she tried to soothe me. "I know now, and that's what really matters.  Anyway, I guess I didn't make it very easy for you to tell me before now, did I?"

"Humans are difficult," she said. "I am getting used to it."  

I managed a smile. "Are you implying that Erisans aren't difficult?"

"I suppose we are difficult, from the human perspective, but I expect you can get used to it too."  

"So far, so good," I said as I let my smile spread a little wider.  "February or March, huh?"

"Yes."

"Do you know yet if it's a boy or a girl?"

"I thought knowing that was not important to you."  

"Can't a guy be curious?"

I felt her shift her weight beside me in bed and, the next thing I knew, her teeth closed gently on my earlobe.  After three or four delicate nibbles, she stopped and put her lips against my ear.   "Maybe it is one of each," she said. "Maybe it is twins."  

 I'm not sure if she was joking or not.