A Child Shall Lead

It's been a crazy month so far,  and when I say crazy I really mean that.

Ever have one of those times when you feel like your mind is so full of stuff to deal with that you think your brain might explode?  I was seriously having one earlier this evening.   If it hadn't been for Pax, things might've been a whole lot worse, too.   This story has a better ending, thanks to him. I'm going to tell you all about how Pax helped me today, but I'm afraid I've got to unload some other stuff first.   I don't usually use this space as somewhere to vent, but there are a few things I have to get off my chest, so please bear with me, okay?

Thing number one: school.   While this isn't my most pressing concern, it is my most immediate one.  I started law school on 9th September, and to say that I'm nervous about the year ahead would be a huge understatement.   Now, I imagine some of you might be thinking, he's a pretty smart guy and he survived an undergraduate degree, so this shouldn't be too hard for him.  I thought the same thing until I received my book list a couple of weeks before school started.

None of my books are available in Braille.  That upset me a little at first because I like to be independent and I prefer to read things for myself but, after a little thought and a second look at the email containing my book list, I realized not having my books in Braille might actually be a good thing.  There are five mandatory full-year classes I have to take between now and next April, plus a half-year course on legal research and writing, and another half-year one on statutory interpretation.  Upon reflection, I'm not sure we'd have room around here for a full set of first-year law books in Braille.

I've arranged with the university to get my texts in electronic format so that I can use the screen reading software on my computer to listen to them.  I read most of the books for my undergrad degree that way, and although it was frustrating at times and I thought longingly of nice, simple, quiet Braille, it beat the third alternative, which would've been to have somebody read my textbooks to me.

What worries me at the moment about my books is the sheer volume of reading I have to get through.  I don't know how I'm going to find the time to get it all done.  I'm also a little worried about completing assignments.  I have a bad feeling that I'm going to need lots of help in the library because I doubt many of the law books I'll need to do research will be available in alternative formats.  When I met with the guy from Disability Support Services at the university, he suggested that I hire a tutor or 'academic assistant' as he called it.  Theoretically, this person would be paid to read to me, take notes for me and help me look things up in the library.  It sounded quite awful and I'm still not sure if I want an academic assistant.  Of course, it may be a moot point, because I don't think I can afford that anyway.

Which brings me to the second part of my rant.

Thing number two: money.   We need more of it.

I've got my student loan to pay for my tuition and books and miscellaneous stuff, but the money from my loan isn't nearly enough to live on.  I still have my job at the music store, but I had to go back to part-time hours when school started, and that's not going to leave us with much money at the end of each month either.   Lest you should think Sapphire lets us live here for free, let me disabuse you of that notion.   She's a very generous lady and she has a big heart, but there are a lot of people living here and there's no way she could support us all.   Each single adult or, in the case of Michael and me, the wage-earner in each family, has to contribute something to help pay for the household expenses.  Then, we all have our own individual expenses like personal care items, clothes, stuff for the kids and, in my case,  stupidly expensive prescription medications. 

There's really no way for us to get more money right now, so I think we're going to have to rework our budget.   I'm not going to be allowed to buy any music or non-school-related books until next spring and as much as I know Sini will hate this, she and Pax won't be allowed to buy as much junk food as they do now.  We probably won't be able to go to movies or the mall very often, either.  I'm sure there are other ways we can save, but I'll have to talk to Sini about it.  Unfortunately, I don't think we're going to have a very fun winter this year. 

And speaking of not having fun, let me tell you about my biggest problem. 

Thing number three:  my parents, or more specifically, my mother.   She's driving me insane and I'm not even joking when I say that I'm thinking about disassociating myself from her entirely.   I mean, I love my mother, but I think she's finally crossed the line.  There are just some things that I'm not willing to put up with, and the way my mother behaves toward my wife and kids is one of those.   Sini wasn't far off the mark when she referred to Mum as her monster-in-law. 

Mum and Dad phoned this evening to see how Sini and I are doing.  We put the phone on speaker and they did too, so all four of us could join in the conversation.    We said that we're fine and that we'd been on a weekend trip with Sapphire earlier in the month, and that I'm getting along okay in law school so far.   Then, we told them about the baby.   Dad was pretty excited to have his suspicions confirmed.  From what I could tell, he's over the moon about having another grandchild (or two?) on the way.

My mother, on the other hand, seemed less than thrilled about it, which was pretty much what I'd predicted.   The first words out of her mouth after hearing our announcement were, "That's irresponsible of you, don't you think?"

"What?" I said.

"You can't afford another child.  You're going to school and you're only working part-time, and you've got all those bills to pay off.   Having a baby now isn't practical."

I didn't bother to say that I'm more than fully aware of our present financial difficulties.  I said, "Practical or not, we're having one."

"Have you thought about your living situation?  Are you planning to stay in that crazy house with all those people?  Because if you are, I don't think that's a very appropriate place for a new baby."

"First of all, this is not a crazy house," I said.  "It's our home and we're not leaving.  Secondly, in case you forgot, you've got another son and daughter-in-law with a baby on the way, and they're living in this house.  But, I don't suppose you had this conversation with Michael, did you?"

"I didn't have to," Mum said.  "Your brother is a responsible person."

"What are you talking about?  I'm a responsible person, too."

"Michael is going to work full time so that he can look after his family," Mum said.  "Fortunately, Andromeda is a sensible young woman, and she's decided that when the baby is old enough to be left with someone else, she's going to look for work too."  

All of that was news.  Michael hadn't breathed a word about any of it to me, and I couldn't quite process the revelation coming from our parents.  Michael, Dylan and I go to the university together every morning.  if anyone had asked me, I would've said he was in school, but I guess he's only been keeping up appearances.  The idea that he'd get on the bus to campus with Dylan and me each day and then leave for his job after the three of us parted ways was utterly mind-blowing.

I said to my mother, "Michael's giving up graduate school for full-time hours at the bookshop?"

"Yes, for now, but he'll be looking for better work, which is what you should be doing as well."

"Better work as in...what?  A job at a call center or something?"

"A call center job would certainly pay more than the minimum wage you're getting in retail."

Eddie pays me more than minimum wage.  Not a lot more, but every little bit makes a difference. I didn't tell my mother that, of course.  What I said was, "I'm not giving up the job I have now.  I'm going to graduate from law school first, and then I'll have better work."

Almost before I'd finished getting my own words out, Sini said, "Mrs. Brightman, we are living our lives the way we choose, and your opinions will not change our choices.  Tyler will not give up school, and I assure you that I will not leave my babies with anyone."

"Well, I wouldn't expect you to leave your babies, Sini," said my mother. "You could hardly go out and get a job in the real world, could you?"

"I could if I wanted to," Sini told her. "Before I came here I had a very important job, but I prefer to care for my children now.  I have many qualifications, but it is not the way of my people for mothers to leave their children and go to work.   Our children are our work."

"Well, it's very good that you have that attitude," said my mother. "I don't suppose you could really leave your children with someone else anyway.    I mean, Skyla isn't exactly normal, is she?  Can you imagine people's reactions? And what if this new one ends up even less normal? It'd be--"

"Mum, that's enough," I said.

"It's more than enough," said my father.  "Julia, I think you need to apologize for--"

"For having an opinion?" said my mother, cutting him off.   "For being concerned about our son?"

"Concerned?" I echoed. "Concerned?  If you were really concerned, you'd help us and encourage us instead of criticizing me and talking about my wife and kids like they're sub-human or something.  You know, you're just like Grandpa Mike."

"What is that supposed to mean?"  demanded my mother.

"We're hanging up now," I said.  "Please don't call us any more."

"But--" my father interjected.

"Not you, Dr. Brightman," said Sini.  "You may call us any time you like."

"Goodbye, Dad," I said.  "We love you." 

I wish we'd only talked to Dad.  I wouldn't have been so upset when I hung up the phone, and I wouldn't have spent the following several minutes trying to console Sini who'd crumpled to the floor, sobbing and trembling, the moment our call ended.   I knelt down beside her and gathered her close, but there wasn't much else I could do.  To be honest, I felt like crying too.  I tried to keep my hurt and anger under control so Sini wouldn't feel it, but even though I admonished myself to think happy thoughts as much as possible, the presence of my wife crying in my arms drove my mind repeatedly back to the same furious refrain: This is all my mother's fault.

I stroked Sini's hair and sang to her, hoping to calm myself with the song too.   I've discovered that it's hard to concentrate on anything else when I'm singing, and even if it doesn't exactly make me feel better, at least it stops me from focusing on why I feel so bad.   I don't know any songs as beautiful as the ones from Sini's world, and my singing voice isn't as nice as hers, but I did the best I could. 

I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine;
High as a mountain and deep as a river,
Come rain or come shine.

I guess when you met me
It was just one of those things,
But don't you ever bet me
'Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me.

You're gonna love me like nobody's loved me
Come rain or come shine;
Happy together, unhappy together,
And won't that be fine?

Days may be cloudy or sunny,
We're in or we're out of the money,
But I'm with you always.
I'm with you rain or shine.

After a while Sini quieted.   The effort of regaining control over her vehement tears seemed to have exhausted her and she went completely limp, slumping against my chest with a weary sigh.   She stayed like that for a few minutes longer, but then she pulled away from me and said she wanted to go up to our room and lie down.   When I asked her if she wanted me to come with her, she said no.   She wanted to be alone.   I could respect her need to be by herself, but it's so rare for her to want to be completely alone that I couldn't help being a little worried.    Nevertheless, I let her go.   I said I'd come up and check on her later.

She left me sitting on the floor next to the small telephone stand in the living room.   I'm not sure how long I sat there, but that was the spot I was occupying when Pax found me.  I'd heard him making his way up from the basement where, presumably, he'd been playing video games with Dylan and Beau in their room, but i hadn't paid much attention until he came over and dropped down beside me.

"Hi, Pax," I said. "Were you having fun downstairs?"

"Yes," he said.

"It'll be your bedtime soon."

"Bath first," he said.  "Then a story."

"How about a story first?  We can read it down here, okay?"

"Why?"

"Sini needs some time by herself, and she's in our room right now," I said.

"Sini get angry at you?"

"No."

"I feel her being angry."

"She is angry, but it's nothing to do with me."

"I feel you being sad," he said.  "Angry too, but very sad."

"Yeah," I said.

"Why?"

"It's nothing you should worry about." 

"When you feel sad, I feel sad," he said, very softly. 

"I'm sorry," I said. "I wish you didn't have to feel what I feel."

"What happen?"

"Sini and I had a conversation with my mother," I told him. "She said something about Skyla that we thought wasn't very nice."

"I not surprised," Pax said, and there was such cynicism in his voice that I wondered what had happened to our innocent boy all of a sudden.  "She say bad things about everybody.  She not a love person."

"A love person?"

"You know, a love person.  Like you and Sini.  You a love person, because you love everybody."

"Well, maybe not everybody," I said.

"You love her," he said.

"Of course I love her.  She's my mother."

"I not know if I love her.  I know I supposed to, but it very hard."

"It's okay," I said. "She's hard to love, especially if you don't even know if she loves you."
 
"I know she not love me," he said, his tone matter-of-fact.

"Yeah, I guess you would know that, wouldn't you?"

"It not matter," Pax said.  "I remember, Suvi tell me I supposed to love everyone.  She say it not matter if they love me or not.  Suvi know all about that because people not love her, but she love everyone anyway."

From what I've gathered about Pax's mother, I have to say I was surprised to hear that there were people who wouldn't love someone like her.  Of course, I've never met Suvi.  I don't know her,, but I find it difficult to believe that there could be anything unlovable about a woman who raised such a sweet and thoughtful child as Pax. 

"Why don't people love your mother?" I asked, even though I knew I probably shouldn't.

Pax's answer startled me.  He said, "Because she blue."

"What?"

"Suvi blue," he said. "Like Sini."

"What difference does that make?" I asked.

"People say bad things about Suvi because she not green," he said.  "She beautiful blue, like the ocean, but they say she not pretty.  They say they not know why Piri and Jex choose a blue person, because everybody knows green people more smart and pretty than blue people.  They say I look green, but I not really green because I have a blue mother."  He paused for a couple of seconds and then, with a slight tremble in his voice, he added,  "I feel sad when they say that." 

My god, I thought. Racism?  It hadn't occurred to me that blue and green might not be merely Erisan skin colour variations, but that they might also represent something more socially significant.  I suppose that wherever you've got people, you're going to have prejudice, but I assumed that a society with next to no crime wouldn't have discrimination either.   Thinking about in in hindsight, though, I guess it makes sense that Eris would have some similar social ills to those of Earth.  Erisans are passionate and emotional people.  It stands to reason that they'd have strong opinions about lots of things, including whether it's better to be green or to be blue.   I filed that idea away for a future conversation with Sini.

I said, "I'm sorry that happened to you and your mother, Pax."

"Me too," he said.  "Know what I think?"

"What?"

"Green not better.  It just different."

"You know what?  That's a very wise thought for you to have," I said.  "I think you're right."

"Know what else Suvi say?"

"What else did she say?"

"She say it important that Jex and Piri love her and I love her.   If all the other green people not love her, that not important," Pax said.  "I think, if your mother not love Skyla, that not important either.   You and Sini love Skyla, right?"

"Of course we do.  We love you and Skyla very much."

"I love you and I love Skyla," he said.  "We the important people."

"Yeah," I agreed. "But, I want my mother to love Skyla too."

"It impossible to get what you want sometimes," Pax said philosophically.  He sighed. "I want jellybeans for breakfast but Sini always says no."

Despite how I was feeling, I couldn't help laughing out loud at that.  I held out my arms to him nad he came willingly for a hug.   It felt good to hug him and to know that I was being loved.  I was amazed when I realized how important Pax has become to me in such a short time.  Six months ago when he first showed up on our doorstep, I didn't even want to let him touch me, and now I was embracing him and wholeheartedly thinking of him as my adopted son.

Love really does transcend everything; colour, age, gender...everything.  Even planet of origin. 

"Pax," I said. "Have I told you lately how glad I am to have you around?"

"You can tell me now," he said.

"I'm really glad you're here," I said.  "My life is so much better with you in it.   You and me and Sini and Skyla really are the important people."

"You feel better now, right?"

I smiled.  "Can't you tell?"

"Yes, but Sini say it important for humans to tell me how they feel."

"I do feel a little better," I said.  "Thanks to you."

"Only a little better?"

"There are a lot of things I need to think about.   Maybe I'll feel better when I figure some stuff out."

"Okay," Pax said.  He let go of me, and stood up.  A second later, he was tugging on my hand. "Come and have ice cream.  That fix everything."

if only it could, I thought, but I followed him out to the kitchen anyway.   Normally, I wouldn't let Pax eat ice cream so close to his bedtime, and I don't usually eat anything after supper either, but tonight I was willing to make an exception.   We built ourselves a pair of massive sundaes that consisted of vanilla ice cream topped with Smarties, chocolate sauce, sliced bananas, strawberries, and an embarrassingly huge amount of Cool Whip.   Pax put some raisins, mixed nuts and jellybeans on his as well, but I declined all of those.   What I had in my bowl already was enough to cause me more trouble than I needed but, just then, I chose not to dwell on any future pain.  I was going to enjoy my dessert in the moment, and consequences be damned. 

As Pax and I sat at the dining room table with our ice cream, I mulled over the things he'd said and I marvelled at how the most profound ideas sometimes come from the most unexpected sources.  When people talk about the wisdom of children, they must be talking about kids like Pax.  He teaches me things all the time, and I'm grateful for that.   One of my wishes for humankind is that everyone could have at least one encounter with an observant, caring child like Pax and, when they do, they would be open-minded enough to learn what that child has to teach.