Feeling The Love

Sini is home!

I could probably repeat that about ten times, tell you how elated I am, and consider this post complete, but I think you guys deserve a little more of a news update than that.  There actually are a few things going on around here besides Sini's homecoming that are worthy of note. 

I went back to work on Thursday.  Eddie - that's my boss, in case haven't told you his name before - only had me down for a four-hour shift on Thursday morning, but once he saw that I could handle most of my tasks without help, he said I could come in for my full shift on Friday and Saturday.  I'm really grateful to be earning a pay cheque again and I'm happy to be back with my co-workers at the store.  As luck would have it, though, when Sini arrived home on Saturday morning, I was at work.

Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it wasn't such bad luck after all.  Sini had been home all day, so by the time I got off work she'd already spent some quality time with Skyla and Pax and caught up on all the neighbourhood gossip with Rommie.  When I walked through the front door, she was ready to give me her undivided attention.

She must've been watching for me from our bedroom window.  The second I entered the house, I could hear her running down the stairs and she was making a noise that I can only describe as a prolonged squeal.  Sini and Pax have a whole vocabulary of non-words; sounds that range from soft clicks or chirps to an excruciatingly high-pitched keening noise.  Each one of those sounds conveys an emotion more eloquently than a hundred words ever could.   Just at that moment, Sini's non-word clearly meant excitement.  She flung herself at me and hugged me with dangerous enthusiasm, squeezing me so tightly that she might've hurt me if she were any stronger.  I returned the embrace as best I could with one arm.

"Happy to see me?" I teased.  I was doing my best to keep my voice light despite my own excitement. "You're acting like we've been apart for a month."

"It cannot have been only a month," she said. "It felt like forever."

"So, you missed me?"

"Yes."

"How much?"

"Tyler!" she exclaimed. "Stop teasing me, or I will bite you."

I laughed out loud at that. "I've got the feeling you're probably going to bite me anyway."

"Sometimes I cannot help myself," she said. "I cannot resist your adorable ears."

"Try to, please."

She reached up to catch my earlobe between her thumb and finger; a careful pinch that seemed to hint at something more to come. "So cute!" she said.

"They won't be so cute with teeth marks on them."

"I never leave marks," she said.  "That would not be polite."

"Biting people isn't polite."

She giggled, but didn't make any further comment on the relationship between her teeth and my ears. Instead she asked, "Did you miss me?"

"You know I did."

"How much?"

"More than I have words for," I said, and I let go my pretense of playfulness. "I missed you so much, I think I might've started going a little insane."

"Insane enough to throw yourself from a tree?"

I should've realized that was coming.  "It was an accident," I said. "I fell."

"Rommie says you were showing off," she said, and all the teasing was suddenly gone from her tone, too.

"Yeah," I admitted. "I was lonely and bored, and Michael and I decided to have a climbing contest."

"Do you think that is appropriate behaviour for an adult?"

"Are you angry?"

"We will talk about it later," she said.

We did talk about it later, and she was surprisingly gentle. I really had expected a scorching lecture about how I should be more mature and responsible, but what actually happened is that we had a quiet discussion about why it's always a good idea to think before acting.  I know this.  Sini knows that I know it.   I guess she must've decided she'd get better results by reminding me to be more careful in the future than she would if she yelled at me about how careless I'd been in the recent past.   Her choice of strategy was a good one because I really do feel bad about what happened, and our little chat made me think about it far more than an irate speech from her would have done.

She left me to ponder the error of my ways for a while but, true to form, she came back to me a little later and said she was sorry that she had to scold me.  She said she hoped I understood why it was necessary, and that she did it because she loves me.  I remember my father saying similar things to me when I was a kid and I was being punished for misbehaving.  We're doing this for your own good, Tyler. Dad usually concluded that speech with a quick and modest hug.   Sini's restitutionary embrace was neither chaste nor brief, and I was left with no doubt as to her true feelings for me. 

Things have settled back to normal since Saturday.  Sini hasn't mentioned the incident with the tree any more, except to say that she's anxious for me to get my cast off.   She says she has plans for when I have two working arms again.  Some of these plans involve the rearranging of furniture in our room to accommodate some mystery item Sini says we're going to need.  I have no idea what she's talking about, to be honest.  Maybe she wants an armoire or something. For someone who doesn't like to wear clothes, she seems to have accumulated a lot of them lately.  Or maybe it's exercise equipment.  I'd never mention this to her, but I think she might've gained a little weight while she was away.  Not a lot, but enough for me to notice on close inspection that she doesn't seem to be quite as slim around the waist as she was when she left.  Then again, maybe she's thinking about getting a bed for Skyla, since Skyla is really outgrowing her crib.   In any case, there's no point in my asking what this mysterious and apparently necessary item is supposed to be.   I've learned that Sini does things in her own time and it does me no good to push.  She'll tell me when she's ready.

Oh, you're probably all itching with curiosity to see a picture of Sini after the results of her beautifying retreat, aren't you?   I forget about pictures sometimes, and of course you guys all know that I already thought she was beautiful before she went away.   She's been getting tons of compliments from everyone.  Rommie says she's glowing and radiant.  Actually, I've heard that phrase applied to Rommie a lot lately too, but everyone seems to say that about women who are expecting.  I don't know what it means in reference to Sini.

Anyway, I'll let you guys judge for yourselves. 

In case you should think I'm the only person around here who missed Sini, I can tell you that Pax has some pretty strong feelings about having his 'mother' back.

I knew that Pax minded Sini's absence, but I had no idea of just how difficult his separation from her had been until Saturday night when we were tucking him into bed.   We wanted to go back downstairs, but Pax didn't want to let Sini leave.   He clung to her and when she tried to disentangle herself from him, he started whimpering.

"Sini not go!" he begged.

"Pax, it is okay," she said.  "I will be in the living room."

"Noooo...!" he said, drawing the syllable out into a wail.

"It is time for you to go to sleep," Sini told him firmly.

At that, he started sobbing uncontrollably.   It took us quite a while to help him calm down.   When he finally stopped crying I asked him why he didn't want Sini to go downstairs, and his response was distressing.

"I go to sleep, maybe Sini not there when I wake up," he said.  "Maybe Sini not come back."

"I will always come back," she told him.  "You are very important to me, Pax.   You and Tyler and Skyla are my family.   I know you can feel how much Tyler and I love you."

"Yes," he said quietly.  "I feel you love me."

"Do you think I could go away and never come back to someone I love so much?" she said.

 He was silent for a long time.  Finally, he said, "Piri love me, but he never come back."

That was the end of the discussion as far as I was concerned.   The events that separated Pax from his father weren't anyone's fault, and I was sure that given the choice, Piri wouldn't have wanted to be separated from Pax.  I didn't know how much Pax really comprehended about what had happened to their ship and whether or not he fully grasped that Piri hadn't left him on purpose.  It was probably true that Piri would never be coming back though, and I immediately understood why Pax was so anxious.  He'd lost Piri and he was permanently cut off from his other two parents.  He couldn't bear the idea of losing his new family as well.

"I think you should stay with him for a while, Sini," I said.  "I think he needs some reassurance."

"You stay too," she said.  "You are his father now.  It is important."

His father.

The impact of her statement crashed over me like a wave, and I think I must've experienced a dozen different emotions at once.    Sini reached for my hand.    I knew that she felt what I was feeling, and I was grateful that she understood the weight of responsibility that one word had placed on me.   She understood it because in declaring herself to be Pax's family - his mother - she'd placed the responsibility on herself too.

I squeezed her hand gently, trying to tell her silently that we were in this together, no matter what.

We stayed with Pax until he drifted off.  By then, we decided that we might as well go to bed too.  We checked on Skyla before we turned in and found that our unflappable baby was undisturbed and sound asleep as if nothing at all had happened.  Skyla could sleep through just about anything, I think. 

Satisfied that everything was as it should be, Sini and I crawled under the covers, but we didn't go to sleep right away.  For a long time we just lay there holding each other and not saying anything.   There were so many things I wanted to say.  I wanted to tell Sini how remarkable I think she is, and how I think she's the strongest, most courageous and most beautiful person I know.  I wanted to say how grateful I am that she chose me, of all people, as her partner in life.  I love you, I wanted to say.  I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life.

I don't know why I didn't say any of that, but there was something about the stillness and peacefulness in the room that made me not want to spoil it with words that would be too inadequate to express everything that was in my heart.  I guess I should know by now, though, that words aren't always necessary with Sini. 

"I can feel you loving me," she whispered in my ear.

I smiled at that.   I can't read people's emotions like she can but, lying there in her arms, it occurred to me that even without the benefit of empathic abilities I could feel her loving me too.