Sini's Secret

In all the excitement surrounding my broken arm, Sini's return, Rommie and Michael's baby news and Remi's imminent arrival, I realize that I haven't managed to fill you guys in about any of the wedding plans.   I think I even forgot to tell you that one night while Sini was away, we were talking on the phone and we chose a date.  That's a pretty important thing to neglect to mention, isn't it?   I'm usually much better with details, but I've had a lot to deal with over the past several weeks, and I guess keeping all of you up to date on the wedding stuff was one of the things that slipped my mind.   My apologies.  I'm about to remedy that.  

We're planning to get married on 17th August.   I know, that's not very far in the future!   Sini left me in charge of organizing some things while she was gone, and I enlisted practically everyone in the house to help.   Rommie says we'll never be ready in time, but I think we will.   We're not inviting a whole lot of people and we're not going for a big elaborate ceremony.  We want to get married here in our own back garden, and Sapphire says we can have an open-air reception here too, if we want.   The guys from the store and some of their friends are going to do the music for our open-air dance afterwards.  Sini loves the idea of doing everything outside.  I think it's going to be an amazing day.

The only real snag we've hit so far is what we're going to wear.  I'm sorry to say that Sini has only been home for three days and we've already had an argument about it.  We were in our room getting ready for bed last night when I asked Sini if she'd thought about what kind of dress she might like to wear when we get married.  It was an innocent enough question, or so I thought.

Sini was quite honestly horrified that I expected her to wear anything at all.  I should've realized this would be an issue but, naively, I'd assumed that every bride wants to wear a fancy dress on her wedding day.   Sini's plan, however, was to walk down the proverbial aisle in nothing but the necklace I'd given her as an engagement present.  More appalling yet, she'd somehow gotten the idea that my body was going to be equally on display.

"There's no way that's going to happen," I said.

"Why not?" she wanted to know. "It is a very important day, Tyler.   Among my people we hide nothing.  Is a wedding not supposed to be about honesty and trust?  Covering yourself is not a symbol of openness."

"I thought you wanted to do everything the Earth way."

"I have changed my mind."

"Listen," I said. "We can't get married naked for one very simple reason.  My parents are going to be here."

"I am sure your parents have seen you naked before."

"That's not the point.  My parents have never seen you naked.  My mother disapproves of you as it is, and I don't think it'd do much for family relations if we tied the knot in our birthday suits."

"Birthday suits?"

"You know, the skin you were born in."

"Oh..." she said, and giggled.  "Birthday suit.  That is a joke."

"Yeah."

"I like my birthday suit.  It is my favourite outfit."

"You know I like it too, but not everyone's going to appreciate it as much as I do," I said.

"So, you are worried about what your mother thinks?"

"Yes," I said.

She made that little snorting sound she always makes when she thinks I'm being ridiculous.  She said, "I have an elegant solution."

 "Do I want to know?"

"If you do not want your mother to see us, do not invite her."

"Sini!  She's already invited.  I can't un-invite my mother to our wedding."

"You think it is better to insist that I wear something than to risk your mother's displeasure?  You value your mother's happiness more than mine?"

"Are you asking me to pick between my mother and you?"

"Yes."

I groaned and flopped over backwards onto the pillows.  There was no possible way to win that one, and I knew it.  "Okay.  Fine," I said.  "You don't have to wear anything, but will you let me wear something, at least?"

"If you insist," she said, and somehow made it sound as if she were making a great sacrifice in permitting me to be dressed at my own wedding.  "Do you want to wear formal clothing?"

"That's usually what people wear at weddings."

"It will be black?"

"It doesn't have to be all black, but yeah, I guess most formal wear for guys is black."

"I do not like black."

"It could be white, I guess.  I've heard of guys wearing a white tuxedo."

"I really do not see why you have to wear anything at all," she said.

"I told you why not," I said.  "I'm not comfortable when I'm not wearing anything, and my parents--"

"I do not care about your parents."

"Well, I do," I said. "I'm going to be wearing something, whether it's white or black or whatever." 

"If you wear something and I do not, we will look ridiculous together."

My frustration level was rising quickly, and I found myself fighting hard to keep my voice calm and reasonably quiet.  Pax and Skyla were both sleeping in the room, after all, and the last thing I wanted was for one or both of them to wake up to me and Sini quarrelling with each other.  I didn't quite succeed in staying as calm as I intended, and caught myself  saying irritably, "Oh...now you're worried about how we're going to look together?"

"I would not expect you to understand that," she said. 

"Just because I can't see, you think I don't care how we'll look together?  I don't want us to look stupid any more than you do," I said.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Me?" I exclaimed, instantly affronted that she was implying it would be my fault if we looked stupid.  "I'm not going to do anything about it.  You're the one who changed your mind about doing this the Earth way."

"It is not fair," she said. "We are supposed to be having a special day and we cannot even wear what we want."

"You don't want to wear anything.  That's the problem."

"I wear clothes every day because it offends humans if I do not," she said. "This is a day that is about me, and I do not care if all the unevolved humans with their ridiculous rules are offended."

"Unevolved?" I echoed. "Is that how you think of us?"

"Not all humans. I do not think you are unevolved, but you are human and you just...do not understand!"   And with that, something totally unexpected happened.  Sini, in a very un-Sini-like way, burst into tears.

Sini isn't a crier.  I mean, sometimes she cries if she's really upset or frightened or something, but she's not usually the kind of person who melts down and starts sobbing at the slightest provocation.  The only time I've ever known her to be that emotionally fragile was when we were expecting Skyla, but she had a good reason for it then.  She'd been sick and scared and uncertain about the future, and if her stress manifested itself as tears it was perfectly understandable to me.  Last night, though, I could see no reason at all why she should be crying so hard over our discussion about what to wear at our wedding.    

"What is it that you think I don't understand?" I said.

"You do not understand anything!"

That's when it occurred to me that there was something more going on beneath the surface and that our conversation had somehow moved beyond a mere disagreement over wedding clothes.   "Sini, listen to me," I said.  I reached out to her and drew my fingertips along her forearm. "I need you to help me understand.  Can you--"

"Do not touch me!"

I pulled my hand back, perplexed and hurt by her outburst.  Never before in the entire history of our acquaintance has Sini ever told me not to touch her.  I wasn't sure how to process that.  Irrationally, I worried that maybe telling someone not to touch them means something different to Erisans than it does to us.  Maybe she didn't mean, I don't want you to touch me right now.  Maybe this was a total revocation of the permission she'd given me on the first day we met, as in, Don't ever touch me again. 

While I was sitting there and trying to figure out how to deal with this new twist, another one of my fears was realized.  Our argument had, in fact, awakened one of the kids. 

I heard Pax's sleepy voice call out, "Sini?"

After several seconds in which she didn't respond to him, I said, "It's okay, Pax.  Go back to sleep."

He ignored me and said something to Sini in their language.   She replied, and then I felt the mattress shift as she climbed off our bed.  She crossed the short distance between our bed and his.  A moment later, I could hear Pax making the soft clicking noise Sini sometimes makes when she's comforting Skyla.

At that point, I didn't know what to do.  How could my simple question about a dress have transformed so quickly into this?  And what was really going on?  It was pretty clear to me that there was something Sini wasn't telling me, but I couldn't even begin to guess what it was, and I had no idea why she wouldn't share it.   Sini and I always talk about everything.  We often have differing views, but that's normal in any relationship, and in most situations we're pretty good at working our way through our differences to reach a compromise.  Sini's sudden unwillingness to communicate was troubling.  It didn't make sense.

My thoughts were interrupted by Pax.  In a puzzled tone of voice he said, "Tyler?"

"Yeah?" I said.

"Why Sini crying?"

"I don't know," I said, utterly frustrated.  "You can sense her feelings.  You probably have a better idea about why she's crying than I do."

"Sini sad," he said.  "She confused."

"Yeah."

"But why Sini crying?  Sometimes I confused, but I not cry."

"You didn't just have an argument with a human," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Why?"

"Sini doesn't want to wear clothes when we get married."

To my astonishment, Pax said, "That a very bad idea."

"What?" I said, and Sini must've had the same reaction because she blurted out something in Erisan at almost the same moment.

"People wear lots of clothes at weddings," Pax said. "Everyone know that.  You not watch TV?  Say Yes To The Dress?"

"Television!"  Sini exclaimed.  "That is so...human!"  

The next thing I knew, Sini was storming out of the room.  She slammed the door so hard behind her that I'm sure everyone in the house must've heard it. 

In the seconds that followed Sini's departure, there was almost total silence.  I tried to imagine the expression on Pax's face and wondered if he looked as stunned as I must've looked.  I could hardly believe what had just happened.  Sini had never walked out on me in the middle of an argument before, and I'd never known her to behave so dramatically.  My first instinct was to go after her and demand to know what was making her act that way, but my voice of reason warned me that doing something like that would doubtless create even more of a conflict between us.   More conflict wasn't what I wanted. 

I heard Pax's light footfalls as he padded across the floor.  He clambered onto the bed and sat beside me.   "Tyler," he said, "this a very strange night."

I couldn't have summed it up any better than that.  I agreed, "Yeah, buddy, it is."

"Know what?" he said.

"What?"

"Eris has TV.  It just has a different name." 

"It's okay," I said.  "It doesn't matter about TV.  That's not the problem."

"What the problem?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure it's not television."

"Oh," Pax said.  He was quiet for a while and then he informed me,  "Sini has a secret."

"I know," I said.  "I think that's pretty obvious."

"It something big."

That particular revelation surprised me.  Before I could stop myself, I asked, "Did she tell you?"

"No," Pax said.  "I feel the feeling.  I not know the name, but it like a...big secret feeling."

"Something bad?" I said.  "Like a guilty feeling?"

"No.   It feel like a big surprise, but different.  Maybe...a surprise nobody wants." 

 "Is she scared to tell me?  Does she think I'll be angry?"

"I not know what she thinks.  She not scared, but it like..."  He paused, and I guessed he was trying to work out how to express a concept that he might not have the words for.  Finally, he said. "It feel like your feelings when you go to your special doctor."

My 'special doctor' is a gastroenterologist, and I see him twice a year.  My last appointment was in June.  I'd been having some problems, and I wasn't particularly eager to go to the appointment because I fully anticipated that when I told my doctor how I was doing, he would insist on sending me for tests.  In case you don't know, the kind of tests gastroenterologists like to send patients for do not, in my opinion, fall into the category of 'non-invasive procedures'.   Yeah, I knew exactly what kind of feeling Pax was describing.

"Anxiety," I said.

"Anxiety," Pax repeated. "Sini feels that."

"Why?" I asked, realizing just as the word left my mouth that I shouldn't have expected Pax to be able to give me any kind of answer to the question.

"Ask Sini," he said. "I not know."

"I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have asked you."

"It okay," he said, and patted the top of my head in the same way a person might show affection to a pet.  "Tyler confused.  I understand."

Despite how I was feeling, I had to smile.   I knew Pax really did understand how confused I was, and he was trying to comfort me the best he could. He's really perceptive, and sometimes he shows signs of maturity well beyond his relative age.

The two of us were quiet after that exchange, and it wasn't long before Pax started to fall asleep.   When he began to slump against me, I coaxed him to lie down.  It didn't matter that he was still on my bed.   I pulled the blankets over him and stayed next to him until the regular rhythm of his breathing told me that he'd drifted off.   For my part, there was no way I could go to sleep; my mind was too full of tangled and frantic thoughts to allow me to do that.  I slid down to the floor and sat with my back resting against the side of the bed. 

I tried in vain to figure out what kind of secret Sini was keeping from me.  Pax had said Sini was anxious and that her secret was a big surprise nobody wanted.  For the life of me, I couldn't come up with any solid answer as to what it might be.  At first I thought maybe she was ill, but then I decided that wasn't the sort of thing she'd hide from me.  Usually, if she suffers something as minor as a scratch or a bruise, she tries to show it to me.    Maybe she'd met someone while she was away, or maybe she was having serious second thoughts about us getting married, or...

My mind spun out a dozen horrible possibilities, each new one worse than its predecessor.

This is no good, I told myself. You're just torturing yourself.  Stop it.

It's hard to stop thinking.  I tried to distract myself by mentally reciting the lyrics to a bunch of songs, and that seemed to help a little.  Counting backwards from one thousand helped.  Playing air guitar and attempting to remember all the chords to every song on the Beatles' White Album  kept me occupied for a while, too.

I don't know how long I sat there, but it felt like hours.  Eventually my eyelids started getting heavy, but I fought the urge to close my eyes.  If I gave in, I knew I'd be asleep in seconds.  Sini and I promised each other that we'd never go to sleep angry, and although I wasn't angry at her, I didn't know if she was still angry at me.  I hoped she'd come back and talk to me.  I wanted to know that everything would be okay between us.  If I had to stay awake all night and speak to her in the morning, so be it.

"Tyler?"

At the sound of my name, I was so startled that I made an audible gasping noise and jerked upright from my slouched position.  I must've been closer to sleep than I'd thought, because I hadn't heard the bedroom door being opened nor had I heard anyone walking in.

"Sini!" I exclaimed.

"Who else would it be?" she said.

"What time is it?"

"It is late.  What are you doing on the floor?"

"Thinking," I said.

"What are you thinking about?"

"You."

She lowered herself to the floor beside me.  Uninvited, she began to stroke my ear with the tip of her finger.  Part of me wanted to react to that, move my head and tell her to stop touching me, but the idea only lasted for a second.  The truth is, I like it when she touches the sensitive skin there and, underneath my initial impulse to react, I was relieved that her edict against us touching had been temporary after all.

She said, "I could feel you trying to stay awake."

"There's an emotion that goes with that?"

"Yes," she said. "Stubbornness."

"Look who's talking," I said. 

"Are you okay?"

"Are you still angry with me?"

"No," she said.  She lowered her hand from my ear.  "I was not really angry at all.  I was..."

When she didn't finish the sentence, I suggested, "Confused?"

"I do not know," she said.  "I do not know why I acted so...irrational.  Perhaps it is stress."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."  She nestled against my side and laid her head on my shoulder. "I do not want to talk about anything right now."

"We always talk about it if something's bothering us, don't we?"

"Please, Tyler," she said.  "I do not want to talk now.  I do not even want to think."

"Okay," I said.  "We don't have to talk now, but I don't think we should put off talking indefinitely."

"We will not.   I will talk when I am ready."

"Okay," I said.

"You are worried," she said.

"Yes, of course I'm worried."

"There is no reason to worry." 

I didn't really believe that, but I tried not to dwell on it too much.  I didn't want my uncertainty to be the strongest emotion she sensed from me just then.   I wanted her to feel me loving her, because no matter what else might be going on inside my head and heart, my love for her will always be there.  I said, "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yes," she said, and then added in a whisper. "Please...no more talking. "

"Okay."  I put my good arm around her and drew her in closer to me.  She sighed, and so did I. 

When I woke up this morning, we were still huddled together on the floor.  I don't actually remember falling asleep like that, but my back and neck keep reminding me today why sleeping in a sitting position is bad.   I don't mind it, though, because the aches in my body remind me of something else as well.   I may have slept sitting up, but so did Sini, and we held each other all night. 

Sini was quiet this morning, and Rommie told me that she mostly kept to herself all day.   I still don't know what Sini's secret is.   When I do find out, it may not be something I can share.  I hope you guys understand.   If it is something I can tell you, though, I promise that I will.